Taking Retreat Home
Jan 16th, 2008 by Dunya
I’ve been feeling the spaciousness of retreat inside me since getting home. If I keep the practice going––not in an overwhelming way, but in a moderate, easy way––I keep panic at bay. That big wave of never enough time or money or recognition or whatever is bugging me at the moment doesn’t build up and crash on my head.
In the past I’ve liked setting aside time to practice in a sanctuary environment. It’s more solitary than at retreat, but I can replicate most of the circumstances (music, privacy, resting.) Recently I’m enjoying practice ‘in the marketplace’. Simple and unobtrusive practices–-breathing with awareness of different aspects of posture or motion is a good one––integrate well into workplace mechanics. The computer becomes a place of daily practice, and walking to the subway, shopping in Whole Foods, or sitting at a social dinner. I may have honed the skill in a vaulted room, bamboo swaying out the window as classical Persian music played, but awareness on breathing and embodiment fit in any room anywhere.
This is often the part of the practice I find most practical. Being in my daily life, away from monastery and being able to tap into the calm and the rich breath. The awareness of my body that allows me to notice when I am becoming anxious before it is too overwhelming helps me deal with uncomfortable moments in my daily life without fully panicking.
I love this ‘marketplace’ practice, I want to shout for joy as I hear others relate to this. It is such a pleasant companion for me, a help and I hope a source of patience for myself and others. I can always have it with me, for to me it is the most basic connection there can be. I need no props, no books, no specific location. ‘only’ my awareness and my body, the nourishment that the days and hours that the monastery provides, and the honing of my connection to myself in the support a daily practice gives.
I think the continuing effects of retreat for me are a constant openness and plasticity. The world writes itself directly into my nerves without intervention by my thoughts. The inner landscape changes with each moment, so the reference point — the bedrock against which signals from the world bounce is always changing, hence I am always changing. It is exhilarating and terrifying, requiring constant attention. I can’t get lazy and retreat into set thoughts that shield me. I wonder if this is what surfing a 60 foot wave feels like.
Having recently been involved in an activity that usually causes me great anxiety, I would love to be able to report that I was unruffled this time around, but that would be false. The difference is that now my inner observer has her eyes wide open. I am very aware of how the anxiety is effecting my body, so I am able to smile at it a bit, stretch my jaw instead of grind my teeth, and put some distance between it and me. Anxiety is a state, just like other passing states. I am shifting it this time from the inside out, instead of relying on those “set thoughts” Urvashi mentions eschewing.