Comments on: SMM Return http://blog.dancemeditation.org/2008/06/24/smm-return/ not an oxymoron Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:54:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: ann http://blog.dancemeditation.org/2008/06/24/smm-return/#comment-174 ann Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:25:16 +0000 http://blog.dancemeditation.org/2008/06/24/smm-return/#comment-174 I'm not sure where to post this, I was not at SMM. Like Shamsi, I noticed a deepening of my practice in the week before the retreat. And my father was showing his failing condition quite graphically. I could see the layers of ego energy dropping from him. We had open conversations about his coming death. One evening our heads lingered together in prolonged contact. On the personality level I was fine, and simultaneously my dreams portrayed disturbances throughout various ages of our lives, like bombs going off, and my body shook in response for days, though not continuously. I felt I was processing not only myself, but some of his information. With this backdrop, it was very difficult to know what to do. When I communicated my intention not to attend SMM, my body instantly turned into an electrical freeway. Sensations pulsed to and from my center, up and down my arms and legs. I felt very tired and lay down to integrate. I never wanted so much to be in two places at once. The idea came to me on the second day, and I practiced during each of the regularly scheduled sessions at SMM. 30 minutes to more than 2 hours each afternoon and evening, except for a few. It was easy to do knowing the group was, and my body wanted to. I said no to extra clients, dates and parties, worked a little and checked on my parents otherwise. The first week I felt more intensity in my practice, and deeper work with my clients, I could get into the fascia a little better. I felt I was doing a parallel practice with the sufis in Philmont. On day 7 in the morning I was surprised by the energy coming on so fast and strong with the feeling of expectancy and longing like a lover and dear friend. That happened again on day 8, and my practices got so that I felt closer to absorption more easily and for longer. I missed the guidance from Dunya and the energy of the group, and I was able to practice more easily for longer engaged periods of time. Images of many fellow dancemeditators that I have witnessed flashed before me during my practice, and I felt in communion with the group. Towards the end of the retreat time, I went to go hear a favorite folk musician and lyricist, and drank pineapple juice while out. Doing a late evening practice, I felt my body explode into such pleasurable sensations, it was similar to orgasm, and so strong that it hurt and I wondered vaguely at that. The area around my heart and solar plexus was filled with bright yellow light, and at other times has burned like I never experienced before. The last evening I was wondering how I would come further out, and mused that often at retreat that might be a time where we would have not as much of an inward focus and begin focusing on others in the group more. I was visiting my parents early evening, when my father said to me "you know, these last weeks haven't been so bad...I have had a chance to get to know my kids a little". I returned "yeah, I've talked with you more than I have in my entire life. And that is no exaggeration". He agreed, and we continued on with the daily chat. After the end of the retreat I also noticed a widening of my gaze, and happiness at my embodiment when my embodiment is deep. I also became aware, more consciously, of my layers, perhaps moving through anxiety first to the joy of my deeper levels. I’m not sure where to post this, I was not at SMM. Like Shamsi, I noticed a deepening of my practice in the week before the retreat. And my father was showing his failing condition quite graphically. I could see the layers of ego energy dropping from him. We had open conversations about his coming death. One evening our heads lingered together in prolonged contact. On the personality level I was fine, and simultaneously my dreams portrayed disturbances throughout various ages of our lives, like bombs going off, and my body shook in response for days, though not continuously. I felt I was processing not only myself, but some of his information.

With this backdrop, it was very difficult to know what to do. When I communicated my intention not to attend SMM, my body instantly turned into an electrical freeway. Sensations pulsed to and from my center, up and down my arms and legs. I felt very tired and lay down to integrate. I never wanted so much to be in two places at once.

The idea came to me on the second day, and I practiced during each of the regularly scheduled sessions at SMM. 30 minutes to more than 2 hours each afternoon and evening, except for a few. It was easy to do knowing the group was, and my body wanted to. I said no to extra clients, dates and parties, worked a little and checked on my parents otherwise.

The first week I felt more intensity in my practice, and deeper work with my clients, I could get into the fascia a little better. I felt I was doing a parallel practice with the sufis in Philmont.

On day 7 in the morning I was surprised by the energy coming on so fast and strong with the feeling of expectancy and longing like a lover and dear friend. That happened again on day 8, and my practices got so that I felt closer to absorption more easily and for longer. I missed the guidance from Dunya and the energy of the group, and I was able to practice more easily for longer engaged periods of time. Images of many fellow dancemeditators that I have witnessed flashed before me during my practice, and I felt in communion with the group.

Towards the end of the retreat time, I went to go hear a favorite folk musician and lyricist, and drank pineapple juice while out. Doing a late evening practice, I felt my body explode into such pleasurable sensations, it was similar to orgasm, and so strong that it hurt and I wondered vaguely at that. The area around my heart and solar plexus was filled with bright yellow light, and at other times has burned like I never experienced before.

The last evening I was wondering how I would come further out, and mused that often at retreat that might be a time where we would have not as much of an inward focus and begin focusing on others in the group more.

I was visiting my parents early evening, when my father said to me “you know, these last weeks haven’t been so bad…I have had a chance to get to know my kids a little”. I returned “yeah, I’ve talked with you more than I have in my entire life. And that is no exaggeration”. He agreed, and we continued on with the daily chat.

After the end of the retreat I also noticed a widening of my gaze, and happiness at my embodiment when my embodiment is deep. I also became aware, more consciously, of my layers, perhaps moving through anxiety first to the joy of my deeper levels.

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